Letting go

When I’m in my room, and bored (which is often) I like to sit back and re-read “The Know-it-all”. I’ve mentioned the book in an earlier post too. I like it because no single story in the book goes on for more than two pages. Each piece is part of a larger mosaic, but you can read each entry for its own merit.

It’s probably an inherited thing. Dad likes to re-read “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance”. I tried reading it once, couldn’t get thru it. There is far too much philosophy in there for me to handle. Not in the actual text, but in the implications of what Pirsig says. Guess I’ll have to grow up a little more before I REALLY get what he’s saying. I am a teenager after all. For the next three months, at any rate.

Anyway, the reason I brought up “The Know-it-all” was this piece I read about Petrarch. A. J. Jacobs (the author), talks about what a loser Petrarch must’ve been to be hung up about a woman he never had a chance with, for a very long time (she was already married). He goes on to add that Dante and Byron were also hung up about women who never loved them. And how in the 21st century, those women would’ve got restraining orders slapped on those “stalkers”.

Then, he says it’s not so uncommon and talks about his friend who’s still hung up about his college crush, even though it’s been over 15 years since the guy graduated. Which brings me to the whole point of this post. Why is it so hard for us to let go of something we value, even if we can’t use it, reach it. To let go of something that was never ours to begin with. A false sense of ownership, of belonging. And when we “lose” it, be it a person, position or an inanimate object, it eats you from inside.

The reason I brought it up was that it hit me just how much this sounded like my own relationship with Rags. To be honest, there never was any real romantic love there. It was almost entirely platonic, most of the time anyway. And yet, when we decided that there was no real chance of it working out, it killed me. And I was hung up over it for a pretty long time.

That’s not the only thing that hangs me up. Another major hang-up is the fact that I’m in the college where I am. I may have had a chance of going into another college. But where I am isn’t a bad place at all. Yet in my weakest moments the “what if I’d been elsewhere?” question comes back. I’ve been fighting it for over a year and a half now. Haven’t been entirely successful till date.

Sigh, maybe the fact that there are no worthwhile women around here is really getting to me. I’ve already brought this up with two different people over the weekend. It doesn’t look like these feelings are gonna go away without a fight. Guess New year resolutions aren't so easy to keep after all.