It's the pits

(I wrote this last night when I was in a really rotten mood. So read it only if you want to know how I sound when I bitch. And no, I don't regret anything I've said here.)

Depression’s a bitch. You never know when that deep blue funk is gonna come up, you don’t know how long it’ll last, you don’t know why it happens. It just hangs over your mind, like a giant Dementor, sucking every positive thought out of you. Actually, sucking every thought out of you. And just filling you with this big load of negativity. Sunrise doesn’t move you one bit. A bird chirping makes you curse it for being so noisy and apparently happy. And you just want to tell the next guy who says what a great day it is to shove it up his arse.

If I could, I’d get a big load of junk food, chocolate, espresso, then seal myself off from the rest of the world and watch some cheesy Adam Sandler movies, or some dumb romantic comedies until I fall asleep. It probably won’t do me any good, physically or otherwise, but it sure will remove the need to think. Or at least get rid of the single thought going on in my head. Namely, what’s the whole point?

Really, what IS the whole point? Of anything? What is the point of going to class when you don’t understand anything? What is the point of a class which isn’t designed for students like you? What is the point of a lecturer who doesn’t know what he’s talking about? What is the point of college? What is the point of there being an opposite sex? For that matter, what is the point of there being other people? What is the point of life on this dumb planet? What is the point of doing anything if it goes unnoticed? Why does it seem like some people exist just to tick you off? Why is my roommate the leader of that lot? Why even bother?

And what really pisses me is that it all starts out of the blue. It’s not as if I had a bad day at college. It was about average. And if anything I should be happy and excited about my trip to Delhi for this inter-college meet. But I’m not. I just keep thinking that it’s gonna be a huge letdown, that the accommodation will be awful, that the competitions will be poorly organized, and that I’ll screw up the quiz there.

It seems really easy to give up. To just take a couple of sleeping pills, hit the sack, and wake up from a dreamless sleep the next day. And yet I know that if someone came up to me even now and told me that they were feeling down, I’d do the best I can to cheer them up. Regardless of the fact that I’m the one who needs cheering up more. Why would I do that? Why not just tell them that life sucks, so piss off. After all, I don’t see it any other way.

And the people around me. They make me feel worse. Getting excited for the tiniest of things. Laughing at some really stupid, pointless jokes. Making off-colour, anti-establishment jokes. And others who think THAT’S funny. People who act like nothing affects them and that they can roll with whatever life throws at them. People with a holier-than-thou attitude. People who think they can get wherever simply through academics. Dumb ostriches that are happy to bury their heads in denial while life and the joys of youth pass them by. People who are looking for dirt from your life, as if their very existence depended on it. People who MUST trample over you and come out on top. Brown-nosing suck ups who wouldn’t survive without patronage. And didn’t know that there are other things in the world besides their bosses butts.

Plus it’s the little things that really tick me off. Right now there’s some song about ‘pehla pyaar’ playing in the background. What is the big deal? 99% of the time, it’s doomed to fail, for whatever reason. And ,at that time, no one really knows what they’re doing. By the time you’re wise enough to know what you did wrong, you never get the same rush again. Also, I’m the kind of guy who takes myself so seriously, that asking a girl out is almost like applying for a research grant or something. I can’t treat it lightly. Which means I’m definitely never gonna get that rush I did when I was 14. So why do you have to bloody rub it in?

Also, I’ve been going through some pretty weird moods in the last one week. I sent two really mushy texts to my ex, purely on impulse. I never sent her anything of the kind even when we were going out. She isn’t telling me, but I’m sure she thinks I’m turning into some kind of lovelorn, Devdas-minus-whisky type now. And that can’t be good.

Whatever. I hear that apparently men also go through cyclic mood swings. It’s just that PMS is more obvious in women. Plus it’s that much easier for a guy to drown his blues in alcohol, or drugs or whatever. And that may be why it hasn’t been noticed for a long time.

Linda Goodman says that Cancer’s moods vary with the tides. But she also says that the full moon is when they’re at their most imaginative, creative best. I don’t know what to believe. Maybe the full moon’s just turned the energy the other way? Maybe she doesn't know what she's talking about.

Btw, my typing has been pretty bad. Plenty of spelling mistakes, grammatical mistakes, rewrites. I think this post is trash. I think I shouldn’t even write a blog. I think I need a shot of hot, strong, black coffee. And then I’m going to bed. If you actually thought it was worth your while to read this post, well, it wasn't.