Letting go

When I’m in my room, and bored (which is often) I like to sit back and re-read “The Know-it-all”. I’ve mentioned the book in an earlier post too. I like it because no single story in the book goes on for more than two pages. Each piece is part of a larger mosaic, but you can read each entry for its own merit.

It’s probably an inherited thing. Dad likes to re-read “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance”. I tried reading it once, couldn’t get thru it. There is far too much philosophy in there for me to handle. Not in the actual text, but in the implications of what Pirsig says. Guess I’ll have to grow up a little more before I REALLY get what he’s saying. I am a teenager after all. For the next three months, at any rate.

Anyway, the reason I brought up “The Know-it-all” was this piece I read about Petrarch. A. J. Jacobs (the author), talks about what a loser Petrarch must’ve been to be hung up about a woman he never had a chance with, for a very long time (she was already married). He goes on to add that Dante and Byron were also hung up about women who never loved them. And how in the 21st century, those women would’ve got restraining orders slapped on those “stalkers”.

Then, he says it’s not so uncommon and talks about his friend who’s still hung up about his college crush, even though it’s been over 15 years since the guy graduated. Which brings me to the whole point of this post. Why is it so hard for us to let go of something we value, even if we can’t use it, reach it. To let go of something that was never ours to begin with. A false sense of ownership, of belonging. And when we “lose” it, be it a person, position or an inanimate object, it eats you from inside.

The reason I brought it up was that it hit me just how much this sounded like my own relationship with Rags. To be honest, there never was any real romantic love there. It was almost entirely platonic, most of the time anyway. And yet, when we decided that there was no real chance of it working out, it killed me. And I was hung up over it for a pretty long time.

That’s not the only thing that hangs me up. Another major hang-up is the fact that I’m in the college where I am. I may have had a chance of going into another college. But where I am isn’t a bad place at all. Yet in my weakest moments the “what if I’d been elsewhere?” question comes back. I’ve been fighting it for over a year and a half now. Haven’t been entirely successful till date.

Sigh, maybe the fact that there are no worthwhile women around here is really getting to me. I’ve already brought this up with two different people over the weekend. It doesn’t look like these feelings are gonna go away without a fight. Guess New year resolutions aren't so easy to keep after all.

First one of '08

Well, me hearties, it’s been two weeks into the new year and I’m nowhere near fulfilling those new year resolutions. No. 1 is very clearly taking a beating. No. 2’s going nowhere (well, I actually did ask a girl out, but that was more as a joke. For the record, it fell flat on its face. Quite, quite flat). Finally I don’t really see what I can do about No.3, considering that I got pretty uptight on more than one occasion while I was in Madras. And it would have been most prudent not to, on each of those occasions. I guess that’s just who I am. A serious, stiff stickler who just can’t let go. And, so far, only alcohol seems to help ;-) No, no alcohol since that one time, in case you’re wondering.

I finally got around to watching Anniyan. And this was after I’d seen Sivaji. I gotta say that Vikram’s done a good job. So has Prakashraj, although I think Shankar’s played the vendetta angle a little too strongly. Vivek and Sada were pretty good too, within the limited scope of their roles. On the whole, it’s very typical Shankar fare. He makes only two kinds of movies: sappy romance (Kadhalan, Jeans, Boys) or clichéd crusade (Gentleman, Indian, Mudhalvan) Anniyan and Sivaji are just the latest of the second kind. And every single one of them has a completely unbelievable plot, loads of special effects and CGI. Whatever. It makes for good watching, if you can suspend the rational part of your mind (Which you probably do already, if you watch a lot of Indian movies or soaps)

So, there have been some changes in college. Sorry, research institute. According to one of my profs, this place “..was never meant to be a college in any sense of the word. It’s a research institute where they ALSO teach undergraduate students” And surprisingly, this doesn’t bother any of my classmates. We have no life, barring academics. None of the other colleges in Pune know that we exist. Our course load is worse than that of the IITs (until this semester atleast). And there’s barely any support from the faculty for our extra-curricular activities. Plus, none of the students seem to be taking any initiative. I organised a quiz almost single handedly in November, but that’s about it. Oh, they do come up with grandiose schemes about what can be done, but there’s so much bickering going on that they don’t even come close to any kind of workable concept.

Enough bitching. (BTW, it feels really good to get this stuff off my chest and into cyberspace) The biggest of the changes is the new academic building. It’s not much, three floors of an office block (about 30000 sq.ft. altogether). Plus, the whole place has a very corporate feel to it. Doesn’t feel like a research institute even, come to think of it. The other big change is the reduced coursework. Only 7 compulsory courses, worth 16 credits altogether. So, things aren’t totally hopeless around here.

Here ends my “state of the person” piece. Expect something a little more light hearted next time!

Imbibo ergo sum?

Yeah, the first time you drink. It's a rite of passage of sorts, isn't it? It was at the launch party of Ergo, The Hindu's latest supplement. You can even see my photo in the issue of The Hindu dated 8/12/07, if you need proof that is.
Fact is, my friend who's a reporter with Ergo has always been telling me to loosen up. Believe me, loosen up here is almost in the sense of, "stop being such a nerd, you doofus!!!" And that's not entirely wrong, considering that at a party, I'm usually standing by the side, soft drink in hand (no alcohol ever till yesterday), smiling for apparently no reason at people who are actually dancing.
So, last night, I just decided to chuck it and try both drinking and dancing (not at the same time, though). Although I had to be plied with alcohol before I got onto the dance floor. And if felt good. A bit like "Why didn't I do this sooner? But I'm glad I did it now at least". Plus, would you believe that I was the one who drank the most in our group? How's that for loosening up?
Point is, this means I'm pretty close to fulfilling resolution #3. And if I keep posting every three days, resolution #1 will be done as well. And with a month to go for the New Year.
Damn, I need new resolutions.
Anyway, I'm gonna stop here. The words just don't seem to be coming this morning.